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When psychologist Robert Biswas-Diener announced he was writing a book focused on the skill of listening, many of his friends expressed confusion. Known for his talkative nature, he admitted that listening is not his strongest suit.
In his forthcoming book, “Radical Listening: The Art of True Connection,” co-authored with Christian van Nieuwerburgh, Biswas-Diener aims to demonstrate that listening is a skill that anyone can develop, regardless of their natural inclinations.
“Listening is filled with skills that can be taught and learned,” he explains.
Improving one’s listening abilities can yield significant benefits in both personal and professional realms. Effective listening is a key strategy for influencing others, managing conflicts, and resolving relational issues.
For those interested in enhancing their listening skills, here are three essential steps to begin the journey.
1. Set an Intention
An effective conversationalist listens not to outshine others or offer unsolicited advice, but to validate the other person’s sentiments.
“When I listen with the aim of connecting with you, I focus intently on your emotional expressions, tone, and shared interests,” Biswas-Diener explains.
Clarifying the purpose of your conversation in advance enables you to concentrate on what truly matters, as he puts it, “your intention guides your attention.”
2. Observe and Notice
With your intention in mind, pay attention to what seems significant to the speaker.
If they frequently revisit a particular point, it may indicate they feel unheard. According to Biswas-Diener, “They may keep bringing it up or processing it because they feel their concerns aren’t acknowledged.”
The positive aspect is that humans are generally adept at observing their environment; Biswas-Diener notes, “People are innately inclined to notice, whether or not they consider themselves good listeners.”
3. Ask Questions
Though it may seem counterintuitive, asking questions is a powerful way to demonstrate that you are engaged in the conversation.
“Questions can encourage more dialogue and can steer the conversation in new directions,” Biswas-Diener asserts.
However, it’s crucial to consider the types of questions you pose, as some may unintentionally convey disinterest.
Alison Wood Brooks, a Harvard Business School professor, highlights three types of questions to avoid in her book “Talk: The Science Of Conversation And The Art of Being Ourselves.”
Boomerang Questions: These are inquiries where the asker intends to answer themselves, which can undermine genuine communication. Instead of posing a question with the intent of sharing your own experience, express your thoughts directly. Gotcha Questions: Such questions aim to test someone else’s knowledge and can often come off as aggressive. For instance, questioning a colleague’s taste in a particular TV show after they’ve shared their enthusiasm can create tension. Repeated Questions: Continuously asking for the same information can also feel confrontational, regardless of how it’s phrased.
These steps may not come easily to everyone, but as Biswas-Diener emphasizes, they are skills that can be cultivated over time. Like any ability, practice is key to improvement.
Source
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