Photo credit: www.theguardian.com

Imaginary Conversation Between Keir Starmer and Donald Trump

Keir Starmer: Good afternoon, your most serene Excellency.

Donald Trump: Who is this?

Starmer: It’s Keir Starmer, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

Trump: Where’s that?

Starmer: It’s …

Trump: Just kidding. I know exactly where you are. You’re that island near Europe. Good to speak to you, Ken. Thanks for calling.

Starmer: It’s nice to have a chance to speak with you, Mr President. Firstly, I want to congratulate you on your inauguration. I was disappointed I couldn’t attend in person.

Trump: That’s because you weren’t invited.

Starmer: I suppose I was busy anyway. It was amusing to see that Nigel Farage, Liz Truss, Suella Braverman, and Priti Patel were also not on the guest list.

Trump: I’m pretty much done with those people. It was a fantastic event. Many say it was the best inauguration in America’s history—perhaps even in the world. My speech received the longest applause ever given to a president.

Starmer: The entire world was watching. The Panamanians, in particular, might be excited about your plans regarding the canal. I also want to express my appreciation for your commitment to securing a ceasefire in the Middle East.

Trump: Thank you, Kevin. I am going to create peace on a scale you wouldn’t believe. Even if it means using some extreme measures to achieve it. People will say there’s so much peace they never knew it existed.

Starmer: That’s wonderful, Mr President. Perhaps now we should discuss Ukraine. It’s imperative that the West continues to fully support President Zelenskyy against Vladimir Putin.

Trump: I think they should just call it quits. Let Russia keep the land it has taken, while the rest of Ukraine remains independent.

Starmer: I’m not sure that’s a viable solution …

Trump: Why not? Honestly, no one wants the parts of Ukraine that Russia has occupied …

Starmer: I believe the Ukrainians disagree with you on that point …

Trump: It’s just desolate land, mostly. A bunch of muddy fields and destroyed villages. Ukraine should be grateful to relinquish it. Plus, the US isn’t going to financially support NATO forever. I might even declare war on NATO if you, the French, and the Germans don’t spend more on defense.

Starmer: Please don’t go down that road, Mr President. We’re all trying our best. Perhaps we should avoid mentioning Ukraine and NATO when we provide the press with a summary of this call.

Trump: Do as you see fit, Kris. Anything else on your mind?

Starmer: The Chagos Islands agreement. It would be helpful if you could support the settlement we’ve reached with Mauritius …

Trump: That’s not going to happen any time soon. I’d rather erase Chagos from existence than turn it over to Mauritius.

Starmer: Chagos is located in the Indian Ocean …

Trump: It won’t be for long if I have anything to do with it. And by the way, let’s stop calling it the Indian Ocean. I plan to rename all oceans—American Ocean One, American Ocean Two, you get the gist. It’ll catch on, mark my words.

Starmer: Right. Let’s omit the Chagos Islands from the report then. This conversation is off the record. Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Trump: There is. I’ve been hearing that the people of Greenland want to become the 51st state of the US, but Denmark isn’t thrilled about that. If you could help persuade them, that would be great. What can Denmark offer? A new IKEA?

Starmer: IKEA actually comes from Sweden …

Trump: We could offer the Greenlanders a McDonald’s, a KFC, and a Taco Bell. Of course, I’m prepared to take drastic measures if needed, but I’d prefer not to. Drill, Baby, Drill.

Starmer: I completely agree. Economic growth is essential. Now, there’s something you could do for me, Mr. President. Could you ask Elon Musk to steer clear of British political affairs? His influence hasn’t been beneficial …

Trump: That guy consumes more Diet Coke than I do … Elon is unpredictable. I told him recently that he needs a rebrand for his cars. Tesla is outdated. He should call it the Swasti Car. It sounds catchy. Giorgia Meloni and Viktor Orbán thought it was a great idea. The Germans would love it, too.

Starmer: Uh … that’s quite an idea. Before we sidestep discussions on trade tariffs or any other challenging topics, I’d like to mention that the royal family asked me to convey their best wishes. They appreciated your visit in 2019 immensely. With luck, I may be able to arrange another state visit for you.

Trump: I’d appreciate that, Karl. But frankly, it’s the least I deserve. The Queen and I became the best of friends. She often reached out for my opinion.

Starmer: Let’s try to pencil in some dates for your visit, Mr. President. Looking at my schedule, I’m available any time throughout the year.

Trump: I’ll get back to you. It was nice speaking to you, Ken. For a socialist, you’re not half bad …

Starmer: And it has been my honor taking your call. Our countries have a unique relationship and more …

Trump hangs up

Trump: Jeez. What a total loser!

Starmer: How am I going to endure another four years of this halfwit?

Source
www.theguardian.com