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As my long-distance partner prepares to move in with me after nearly a decade together, I find myself grappling with unexpected apprehension. While this is what I thought I wanted, the reality of the situation is causing me considerable anxiety. In the past, I tolerated behaviors from others that I wasn’t comfortable with, largely out of fear of what might happen if I ended those relationships. Thankfully, I’ve grown beyond that mindset.
Having left my marriage of 25 years a decade ago and distanced myself from friends who no longer fulfill my needs, I’m now aware of the importance of prioritizing my own well-being. I deeply care for my partner; he is genuinely loving and understanding. Nevertheless, I fear that, similar to my previous experiences, I might suddenly lose my affection for him and find myself cohabitating with someone I don’t resonate with anymore. This concern makes me feel almost dismissive towards others and contradicts the space I’ve cultivated for myself, where I have learned to recognize my own needs and desires. My earlier marriage ended partially because I fell out of love. I strive to avoid a similar fate with my partner. How can I embrace this forthcoming change without succumbing to fears?
Eleanor responds: It’s crucial to differentiate between suddenly “going off” someone inexplicably and recognizing when a relationship has become unbalanced, prompting a deliberate decision to end it. Which of these scenarios concerns you most?
On one hand, you might see your inclination to “go off” people as a valid gut feeling—a sign that the relationship is not serving you as it should. If that’s the case, there is no cause for fear; such realizations, though difficult, are necessary for your emotional health.
Conversely, you may be worried that your feelings of disenchantment could stem from an unfounded emotional response, one that could occur without clear reasons, as if a switch has been flipped, leaving you unable to reverse it.
It seems the second scenario is where your anxiety lies: ensuring that your feelings don’t cause you to withdraw from a person who genuinely cares for you. If you were justifiably upset with him, this wouldn’t invoke such fear.
Your history of people-pleasing could contribute to this fear of losing autonomy, as it may have led you to feel vulnerable and exposed in your relationships. This pattern can create an all-or-nothing mentality, where the pressure to meet others’ expectations leads to feelings of overwhelm. As a result, many believe that personal solitude is the only way to maintain their sense of self.
Part of addressing this fear involves committing to understanding the distinction between feeling consumed by someone and genuinely allowing yourself that experience. Delineate between when your partner might expect you to compromise your space and when you feel you should do that yourself. The former requires external action (“I need to distance myself”), while the latter involves internal permission (“I deserve this space”).
To better navigate potential moments of frustration, keep track of specific instances when you may feel like you’re drifting away. Analyze these feelings; seek clarity on whether your discomfort arises from his actions, the dynamic between you, or your own internal struggles.
Another approach is to carve out time and space that is solely for you from the outset. Establishing solo activities—from engaging in outdoor exercises to pursuing hobbies—can help maintain a sense of independence, alleviating any pressure to retreat into isolation later on.
The transition to living together is undeniably significant and may feel unsettling initially. Inviting someone into closer proximity means a natural reduction in alone time. The challenge lies in ensuring that your relationships do not require you to subsume your identity for the sake of companionship. Since this relationship involves both of you, it’s essential that your expectations of yourself remain aligned with your well-being.
*This question has been edited for length.
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Source
www.theguardian.com