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Emotional resilience is a vital aspect of safeguarding your child’s mental health. Research indicates that resilient children are not only adept at recovering from setbacks but also face a lower risk of developing conditions such as depression, anxiety, and feelings of self-criticism.
A psychologist with two decades of expertise, I have observed that children displaying strong emotional resilience often share a commonality: parents who are adept at managing their own emotional landscapes.
By demonstrating to our children that emotions are neither shameful nor impeded, we aid them in understanding that feelings serve a significant purpose, much like hunger and thirst. Recognizing this can empower children to navigate conflict, disappointment, and emotional distress with confidence and insight.
Parents nurturing emotionally intelligent and resilient kids tend to engage in four key practices. As you practice these skills, passing them on to your children becomes more intuitive.
1. They notice and honor their emotions
Emotionally resilient parents understand that feelings should not be suppressed or ignored. They recognize that neglecting emotions can exacerbate discomfort. Instead, by acknowledging our feelings, we can gain clarity and move forward. Consider vocalizing your emotions by saying, “Right now, I feel…” and completing the thought.
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Labeling our emotions helps validate our experiences, allowing us to address our emotional needs effectively. For instance, recognizing anger may prompt healthy boundary-setting, while acknowledging anxiety could lead to self-care strategies like talking with a friend or going for a walk.
When parents actively process their own emotions, children learn that feelings are an essential part of life, just as crucial as rest and physical well-being.
2. They can regulate their own emotions
Consider how watching a horror movie might induce fear—demonstrating that emotions are contagious. Parents’ states of distress can undoubtedly affect their children, hence the importance of emotional regulation.
Effective regulation begins with awareness of bodily sensations. A simple breathing technique can help: inhale slowly for five counts, then exhale for five counts. This method, known as coherent breathing, can help ease the body’s tension, providing a sense of calm.
While processing emotions is essential, it’s often wise to first create space for calm before expressing intense feelings. Regulating emotions can prevent harmful outbursts that impact children.
3. They don’t label emotions as ‘good’ or ‘bad’
Emotions are frequently classified based on societal perceptions—where happiness is viewed positively, and anger is often deemed negative. However, emotions should be seen as valuable information rather than inherently good or bad.
Each emotion carries messages: sadness signals loss, fear alerts to threats, and excitement prompts celebration. By adopting a mindful perspective on our feelings, we can reduce judgment attached to them. Use phrases like: “There’s no right or wrong in how I feel” and “I recognize this emotion will eventually pass.” This approach encourages parents to judge their children’s emotions less harshly.
4. They practice self-reflection
As an emotions-focused psychologist, I understand that our current emotional responses are often influenced by our past experiences. The way our own parents addressed our feelings shapes our emotional lives.
If our expressions of distress were dismissed or ridiculed, we might learn to suppress emotions like anger, sadness, or fear. Engaging in self-reflection can facilitate understanding of these patterns. Ask yourself questions such as: “How did my parents react to my feelings as a child?” and “What changes do I wish to implement with my children?”
This examination helps break negative cycles and encourages more constructive emotional responses. Just acknowledging desired changes can empower parents to implement them.
Parents who engage in their own emotional introspection set a powerful example for their children, demonstrating effective emotional management by modeling behaviors over mere words.
Dr. Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly 20 years of experience assisting new parents. She co-authored the upcoming book “Parents Have Feelings, Too.” Additionally, she teaches workshops for expectant parents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) hospital, where she also oversees psychiatry residents. You can follow her on Instagram at @parentshavefeelingstoo.
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