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Penelope Brown, 50, Oxfordshire
Boarded from the age of nine
Having grown up with a transient lifestyle, I now identify as a typical ex-boarder who never really established personal roots; I live in a van. This experience resonates with many children from similar backgrounds, where settling down can seem nearly impossible. My early years were marked by constant relocation due to my father’s career in civil engineering, with residences spanning Saudi Arabia, Papua New Guinea, and Lesotho. When I was sent to boarding school, my environment kept shifting. The very notion of “home” had morphed into a concept that was continually out of reach, often representing places I had never even set foot in.
I believe I was around nine when I first boarded, but the precise age is somewhat obscured in memory. Boarders typically do not celebrate birthdays, which adds to the confusion. My brother went to a different region in Yorkshire, while I was placed in Cheshire. My mother aimed for this path not just for practical reasons amid our family’s frequent moves, but also as part of her aspirations for us. Those initial days remain hazy; I recall flying overseas alone.
My first school was an impressive stately home adorned with chandeliers, where I immediately felt the harshness of the environment. After my drop-off, I hurriedly ascended an ornate staircase, only to be abruptly ordered back down by a stern voice. This experience encapsulated my time at boarding school: constant authority, loud reprimands, and an unending series of bells dictating our routines. Each moment was controlled, leaving little room for personal expression.
Neglecting the development of social skills such as negotiation was the norm; compliance was not optional. The institution’s structure stripped us of individuality, enforcing a strict uniform code that applied to both day and evening. Our walls were bare—no personal touches permitted, including toys or games—and activities were regimented with little regard for emotional wellbeing. There were a few scheduled pastimes, like piano lessons or horse riding, but they felt limited given the oppressive environment.
I soon moved to a former all-boys school at age 13, which came with its unique difficulties, mostly a collection of children navigating their own challenges. We were ingrained with the notion that being in the system was a privilege, leading many to think their struggles were isolated incidents. My adult life bore the weight of addiction, stemming from these formative experiences. Recovery opened my eyes to numerous others who shared similar boarding backgrounds, deepening my understanding of our collective trauma.
Navigating relationships with my parents proved challenging. Limited communication and long spans without contact made for a confusing emotional landscape during my developmental years. I have not seen my father since my early 20s, and I distanced myself from my mother prior to her passing. With age comes a frustrating realizations of parental inability to nurture their children amidst such chaos.
Chris Braitch, 44, Dorset
Boarded from the age of seven
Boarding schools encompass a wide range of institutions, not merely the prestigious ones like Eton. Many specialize in catering to particular needs, such as dance, sports, or the arts, while others support children from military families or those exhibiting behavioral challenges. I boarded from the ages of seven to 13, coming from a working-class background; my mother was a teacher and my father an engineer. When my parents divorced, my mother, remarried to an ex-boarder, felt drawn to the positive experiences she thought boarding could offer; my father was opposed to it.
My introduction to boarding was filled with excitement that quickly transformed into anxiety and despair. The secure environment I anticipated was marred by an emotional coldness that I had not foreseen. The rules were oppressive, and minor infractions could lead to severe punishments. Early experiences that should have been about forming resilience instead became steeped in fear and survival.
While I escaped severe physical abuse, many others faced much worse, with emotional neglect and bullying being prevalent. It’s largely recognized now, as noted by psychotherapist Joy Schaverien, that many ex-boarders carry psychological scars, a result of abandonment and the emotional detachment bred by institutional life. The environment left many struggling with issues around intimacy and self-worth. Self-medication through substances or compulsive behaviors has been a recurrent theme among those I’ve encountered.
The historical intent behind boarding institutions was often to strip away individuality and feelings, crafting children who would fit military ideals. I found myself entrenched in a corporate career that provided little fulfillment, often fueled by alcohol. Following a major breakdown, I sought to create change; thus, I co-founded Seen and Heard (seenheard.org.uk), aimed at enhancing mental wellness among students and advocating for protective reforms in education.
Incremental improvements have been made in boarding schools regarding student safety, and most staff genuinely aim to create a supportive environment. However, the overarching truth remains stark: for the majority of children, the benefits of being home with family outweigh the supposed advantages of boarding. If children are safe at home, that is where they belong.
Lydia Lockhart, 33, Oxfordshire
Boarded from the age of seven
I’ve spent much of my life questioning my self-worth. Learning about Boarding School Syndrome stirred feelings of anger towards my parents, but with reflection, I’ve come to understand that they believed they were doing their best for me. That, however, doesn’t excuse the consequences of their decisions.
At first, boarding seemed appealing, especially since my brother was already away at school. Initially, I found joy in short stays at my small prep school. My family had a history of boarding, so it was seen as a natural path. However, by the time I was 11 and boarding full-time, the thrill wore off; homesickness began to invade my joyful memories.
Communication was limited; calls home were restricted, creating a sense of isolation. In moments of distress, staff would redirect my emotions into distractions, reinforcing the idea that displaying vulnerability was unacceptable. Weekend visits were sparse, even with my family living nearby.
Ultimately, I faced various challenges in adulthood, including a diagnosis of autism and ADHD that went unrecognized during my time at boarding school. My current work in London involves supporting children with special educational needs, reinforcing my belief that boarding institutions are not suited for such vulnerable kids who require individual care.
Struggling under the weight of expectations, I descended into anorexia as a misguided means of exerting control in a situation where I felt powerless. The school’s lack of noticing led to a hospitalization, yet I was returned to boarding during my sixth form year, making my recovery complicated.
The boarding environment demands compliance and stifles individuality. By the time I completed my education, I found myself stripped of my passions. Others seemed to thrive in newfound freedom at university, while I felt lost and adrift.
Piers Cross, 49, Yorkshire
Boarded from the age of 11
Intrigued by the stories of prominent figures who attended boarding schools and faced significant challenges, I sought to understand how these experiences shape individuals and their decision-making. Notably, David Cameron and Tony Blair have both described their boarding experiences as harsh and traumatic. While publicly revered, many of these individuals have spoken candidly about the pain they endured.
Having been immersed in a boarding setting controlled by strict military paradigms, I emerged as a captain in sports. However, beneath the surface, my history included trauma, including being sexually abused by a staff member—a reality often overlooked when discussing these institutions. The long-term effects of such experiences can be enduring; the culture of silence about the emotional pain faced by many ex-students remains pervasive.
In seeking to provide a voice for others, I collaborated on a documentary titled Boarding on Insanity, which unravels the hidden traumas of boarding school life. Through interviews and group gatherings, we aimed to foster openness and healing through shared stories. The legacy of attempting to mold boys into emotionally fortified adults has far-reaching implications, wherein empathy and connection to ones’ vulnerability suffer harm.
The journey of sharing this pain has been cathartic, allowing many to confront their pasts collectively, breaking through the silence that has surrounded these schools for generations.
Dan Perry, 47, London
Boarded from the age of 14
My mother, working as an educational consultant, helped to find suitable schooling for expat children. Thus, when we relocated to Spain when I was eight, I quickly found myself enrolled in a boarding school in York, leaving behind my former life and passion for windsurfing. This transition marked the beginning of losing my sense of self.
My reception at the boarding house was less than memorable—my mother’s departure didn’t provoke the expected emotional turmoil. As I navigated those early years, the culture shock was profound, exposing me to a world where differences were met with cruelty. The intimidation of being labeled ‘other’ was common, compounding the isolation I felt.
The lack of connection to outside friends rendered the boarding school experience incredibly lonely. It was difficult to articulate these feelings, given the expectation to remain resilient. Discovering a tape I’d made during my time at school revealed the emotional toll—recorded sounds of boys hurling racial slurs left a lasting scar. The pressure to remain silent was a suffocating lesson ingrained in us.
The cumulative nature of these experiences colored my adulthood, despite a façade of success. Leaving boarding school marked a shift; I moved on to find gentler environments that valued emotional expression. Now a musician, I’m committed to reclaiming my creativity, striving to ensure that no child faces what I encountered while maintaining their individuality.
Boarding on Insanity, directed by Ben Cole, can be streamed now at boardingoninsanity.com
Cathy Wield, 65, Dorset
Boarded from the age of nine
My upbringing was steeped in the expectations of the diplomatic lifestyle, and sending me to boarding school after we relocated to Thailand was seen as a privilege. This notion, however, quickly unraveled once I arrived; the overwhelming sense of abandonment hit me hard as I was left in a foreign place. My tears met with reprimands, further stifling any emotional comfort I sought.
Every aspect of our daily routines felt controlled; the pressure to conform at meal times was intense. Dislikes for specific foods resulted in punishment, and the atmosphere fostered toxic levels of bullying that my peers suffered intended to exert control. Indeed, the emotional isolation we faced created an environment reminiscent of And a “Lord of the Flies” dynamic.
The transition back home, even during breaks, consistently led to anxiety about returning to school. The process of traveling back became a dreaded ritual that I coped with by resorting to anti-anxiety medication. My teenage years elapsed amidst the turmoil until I finally left the boarding environment, continuing on to a successful career in emergency medicine, yet with unresolved trauma trailing behind.
Despite recognizing the detrimental experiences I faced, I vowed that my children would not undergo similar treatment. I grappled with my past when one of my children received an opportunity to board at a prestigious ballet school; memories resurfaced and ultimately led to a severe mental health crisis. This episode lasted several years until I was diagnosed with PTSD, illuminating the silent struggles often faced by women who have experienced boarding school trauma.
The narrative surrounding the suffering of boarding school boys often overshadows the experiences of girls, who frequently face subtle but equally damaging neglect. Our voices need to be heard to ensure understanding of the complexities of gender differences in the boarding school experience.
Through my own recovery, I found the strength to share my story, culminating in the writing of my book, Unshackled Mind: A Doctor’s Story of Trauma, Liberation and Healing, as a means to reclaim my voice and confront the shadows of my past.
Harry Bolland, 28, Glastonbury
Boarded from the age of 12
Reflecting on my school experiences is still a work in progress, particularly understanding the implications of what I endured. Boarding had blurred my memory until recent realizations prompted me to scrutinize its effects. As a free-spirited child who thrived in nature, the structured school environment felt suffocating and devoid of encouragement for creativity.
My mother’s experiences with boarding had not been positive, yet she believed sending me to a boarding school would provide the necessary support for my behavioral challenges. I saw myself asking to board more often, believing it would create space to improve our strained relationship.
Initially, I stayed just a night or two, but soon I was in for the week. The workload and expectations overwhelmed me, leading to a series of behavioral issues. The harsh realities of discipline struck hard—one incident involving a teacher physically confronting me in a moment of frustration underlined the extreme discipline that existed in these settings, a practice that should have been antiquated by then.
After being expelled, I experienced the stark contrast of moving to a state school that was kinder and more compassionate, reinforcing the uncomfortable truth of how institutions maintain generational trauma. Now, as I create music and find my voice again, I’m reminded of the resilience born from those difficult experiences, affirming my belief in the importance of nurturing individuality and creativity.
Boarding on Insanity, directed by Ben Cole, can be streamed now at boardingoninsanity.com
Source
www.theguardian.com