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Managing a child’s emotional outbursts, whether in a grocery store or at home during a morning routine, can test the patience of any parent. It’s a natural response for parents to react with frustration or to lecture about the inappropriateness of such behavior.
However, psychologist Caroline Fleck suggests that this may not be the most effective way to address these situations. Fleck, an adjunct clinical instructor at Stanford University and the author of “Validation,” advocates for a different approach.
She emphasizes the importance of listening and affirming children’s feelings. Fleck asserts, “The single greatest thing that we can do as parents is to become more skilled in validation.” This means when children feel that their emotions are acknowledged, they are more likely to engage in constructive behavioral changes.
‘The point is to validate the emotion and then focus on what’s not valid’
Fleck applies this technique with her own children. For example, when her daughter resists doing chores, instead of reprimanding her for the reluctance, Fleck encourages her to articulate her feelings about the situation.
Fleck shares that her daughter might exaggerate, claiming that her mother was yelling and throwing objects, whereas in reality, Fleck had simply asked her to empty the dishwasher. By approaching the conversation without judgment and acknowledging that chores are generally unwelcome, parents can create a safe space for dialogue. This allows for a discussion about the necessity of fulfilling certain responsibilities after validating the child’s feelings.
As Fleck puts it, “The point is to validate the emotion and then focus on what’s not valid, which is the behavior [and that’s] what needs to change.”
‘Guilt leads to repair’
Research indicates that children who grow up in homes where their emotions are frequently dismissed may develop feelings of shame. Adam Galinsky, a sociologist from Columbia Business School, explains that shame can hinder a child’s ability to think critically or solve problems. Instead, “guilt leads to repair, but shame often leads to avoidance,” he notes.
When parents separate a child’s emotional response from the behavior, they can help children understand that while feelings such as frustration or disappointment are natural, they still have the power to choose how to respond respectfully to those emotions.
This approach not only nurtures emotional intelligence in children but also equips them with essential skills for navigating challenges in a constructive manner.
Source
www.cnbc.com